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Tuesday, 5 July 2016

Fell Into My Own Destruction

I sat there with all the books in front of me. With all those memories just lying there. I kept staring at one thing and then the other. My eyes kept moving from one place to another. I was here to find something I had long forgotten, but today's unusual events had refreshed all those memories that had taken ages to hide, that were hidden beneath everything else. All those memories I had held back, all those tears and all those scars were now once again refreshed.

I didn't want to remember anything from my past but just like always, things I want never happen. Without wanting tears which welled up in my eyes. I had long gone developed hatred for these tears, they came very frequently but I never actually had control over them and here they were again without wanting. My life was finally once again going perfectly fine until.....until today.

Today's unusual events were so unexpected. I didn't want to remember them neither I wanted to be hurt again, and I certainly didn't want to remember them. I wanted my old life back, and here I was on a road I knew would take me back. The feelings lost long were now once again rising inside me and all of a sudden I realized that this is what I hoped for, for all those shattered dreams to come true and for all those promises to be fulfilled. This is what I had wanted deep down inside myself.

The reason I didn't want to be close to anyone wasn't that I was afraid of being hurt again, but that I was now use to getting hurt. The real reason was that that the special place had already been taken. I had already dedicated my life to someone, I had already been in love and I knew that these feelings would last forever because they weren't the same as before. But this time everything was different.

Although that person wasn't a part of me now but that special place could only belong to one person, just one. Someone who could never be replaced no matter what. I knew I was walking into a trap but I just wasn't ready to accept it. I knew the results of what I was about to do again but I just had so much trust in myself and so much determination that nothing else mattered.

This is what had happened before; me falling for him, putting all I had into this love but the result had been nothing. I had been used. Used to fix a broken soul that could fly again. I was forgotten like I had never mattered, like we had been strangers for long. But for me that love was still alive deep down inside and now that I was falling for everything that had broken me again I decided to put my life at risk, to put myself at stake this time. If I failed and this love ended it wouldn't be the only thing to end. My life would end with it. I was walking into it again.

The fear I had of losing him started developing once again; the moment I saw his face - I was just waiting for him to ask me to come back and yes, once again, I had fallen for the same person and made the same mistake twice. Once again, I felled for this trap of his, and once again, I fell into my own destruction.

"In The End, We Only Regret The Chances We Didn't Take."

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