I HATE MYSELF

A story never heard nor wrote. My life is that myth. Everything was perfect, my life was amazing. It was complete, and after losing my parents when I was 2 years old, I only had my brother who was mentally not well. I wasn’t a rich girl, I was living a poor hard life but I had love surrounding me. I had everything I wanted, I was happy and soon me and my fiancé were going to get married. Both of us belonged to the same class and were living a life of hardwork but we loved each other and that makes every other thing small. I loved him crazily, I was mad after him. So was he. I was living a life of fairytales.

Well, he always made me feel like a princess of our small little world. We had so many plans for our wedding as well as we were constructing our own house by ourselves too. My fiancé was a fisherman, he was moving out of the city. I had to go meet him one last time until he comes back. That night I ran to the sea coast just to meet him and say him goodbye.

That night was supposed to be great till his return. But the tables turned down, and that night became the worst, the night that changed my life, my soul, my people and showed me the real world. I lost myself, I lost all I had, all I loved and all I trusted.

Life, that has been written with such hardships and sufferings. My soul and my existence has been scattered into pieces. My goals, my aims, my path got lost. Difficulties following me on every step I took. I can't live my life again. This is a tragedy that I just cannot face. I am not strong enough to see their faces. This is a life of a victim who has been abused and left as a murdered living. What was my fault? I cry and cry and cry, nothing is left. It's just me alone who has to face it.

He left me here, because my life had this story for me? I wasn’t aware of the future, I have been broken into a gazillion pieces. Everyone left me, because now I am a sign of disgust for them? They promised to stay with me. They promised to be there whenever I needed them. And now when I need them the most they blame me for all this. They question me for my character. They went and never came back. They hate like they dont know me or never did.  I am amazed how they just turned their faces like i meant nothing to them. How can someone be so mean and inhuman?

Its all my fault, why do I exist? Why did I ever trust them. Why did I love them so much. And why do i still care for them, miss them and still expect a bit from them. Why? Just why is this supposed to happen. I cried and shouted and screamed and begged for help but nothing can happen now. Nothing. Why do I have to face all this?

He came to the hospital, I cried and was glad to see him. I called him and tried telling him the truth but what he did was. He spat on me. He accused me of being a liar, betrayer, and a person of loosen character. It couldn’t get worse. I was alone. He came and pierced my heart once again Was that all he loved me? My whole life is now based on a disgusting soul. I hate myself for being me, for loving people blindly. For expecting too much. I hate myself for who I am. I hate everything. I just have a last wish to die. Just a miserable life, I am just a symbol of humiliation and shame for all. I saw who is real and who is fake, who loved me and who left me. They only stay with you when you have something to give them. When you are useful to them but as soon as this soul of yours demands a little too much care, they leave. I have always been afraid of loosing people even though i meant nothing to them but every single person around me held a strong place in my heart. But then again my poor heart has been crushed. It all makes sense now. There’s an end to everything. Not every story has a happy ending. Not everything runs according to your plans. Not everyone turns out to be the same as you expected. 

But i just need to escape from all this. I want to run somewhere far from all these problems and all these people. Every day every night i have nightmares. All i see is the same night again and again. And everytime i wake up with a scream escaping my mouth. Everything has been changed alot, all i know now is how to cry. I don't know how to stand up again. Its similar to as if i have been thrown in an ocean where i don't know how to swim. 
I am just alive with the thought of maybe god has a better plan for me. MAYBE?